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Someone asked you to be in their corner.

They're quitting porn, and they'd rather not do it alone. Here's what being in their corner means, and what it doesn't.

There's nothing to install and nothing to sign up for. It's just the two of you.

The whole job, in three moments

Being in someone's corner comes down to three moments: reply soon when they ask, answer when they text “rough night”, and thank them when they tell you about a slip. It's what some people call being an accountability partner, and it's smaller than it sounds.

  1. Reply soon

    You don't need perfect words. They probably rewrote that message more than once and braced for an awkward answer. People asking for help tend to expect worse than they get: across studies with 2,118 adults, people asking underestimated how willing others were to help and how good helping would feel (Zhao & Epley, 2022). Your reply is where they find out.

    You could say

    Tap to copy

    Hold off on questions about how long or how bad, jokes (even kind ones), and advice they didn't ask for.

  2. If they text “rough night”

    That's the signal, if they gave you one. It means an urge is building and they'd rather talk than give in to it. Call if you can, even for five minutes. You don't have to talk about porn. Talk about your day, a game, anything at all. Urges build, peak and ease, like a wave, and a voice on the line helps the time pass.

    No signal agreed? A text that says they're struggling means the same thing.

    You could say

    Tap to copy

    Can't pick up? Say so, and say when you can. A quick reply still counts.

  3. If they slip

    Slips are common when someone quits something they've leaned on. If they tell you about one, they chose not to hide it, and that's the part to answer. Shame tends to push people toward hiding, not change. Among people newly sober from alcohol, those who showed more shame while talking about their past drinking were more likely to relapse in the months that followed (Randles & Tracy, 2013).

    You could say

    Tap to copy

    Hold off on the lecture, the disappointed sigh and questions about details. Kindness isn't letting them off the hook: in experiments, people who met their own failures with self-compassion were more motivated to improve, not less (Breines & Chen, 2012).

What being in their corner isn't

  • Not their monitor.

    Don't check their phone or ask for reports. That turns you into someone to hide from.

  • Not their therapist.

    You don't need answers or a plan. Listening is plenty.

  • Not on call around the clock.

    It's fine to say, “I can't pick up after 11, but text me and I'll call in the morning.”

  • Not the one who makes them stop.

    Only they can do that. Your part is making sure they don't do it alone.

Look after yourself too

Helping shouldn't cost you your own peace. If late calls don't work for you, say so and offer what does. A smaller yes is still a yes.

If you're their partner, this can land hard, and your feelings count too. Our guide for partners covers that side: how to help someone with a porn addiction.

Of everyone they know, they picked you.

Porn use and loneliness tend to go together, and researchers suggest each one feeds the other (Butler et al., 2018). Asking you was a step out of that loop.

You don't need to be an expert. You just need to pick up.

Frequently asked questions

What does an accountability partner do for someone quitting porn?

Mostly three things. Reply soon when they reach out. When they text that they're struggling, call if you can, even for five minutes, because urges build, peak and ease, and a voice on the line helps the time pass. If they tell you about a slip, thank them before anything else. You don't need to check their phone, collect reports or have answers.

What should I say when someone tells me they relapsed?

Start with thanks, such as “Thanks for telling me. Still in your corner.” Telling you was the hard part, and shame tends to push people toward hiding rather than changing. Then ask about tonight, not the details: “What's the plan for tonight?” Skip the lecture, the disappointed sigh and questions about what they watched. One slip doesn't erase their progress.

Do I need to download anything?

No. There's nothing to install and no account to make. TrueAlly is the app they're using to quit porn, and it never contacts you. Every message you get comes from their own phone, so you can help without knowing anything about the app.

What if I miss their text?

Reply when you see it. “Just saw this. Are you okay? Want to talk?” still helps, even hours later. Nobody can be there every minute, and they know that. If there are times you can never pick up, such as during work, tell them, so they can plan around it.

Should I ask how it's going?

Ask in the way they asked for. If they wanted a weekly check-in, ask then. Otherwise, let them bring it up, because asking too often can start to feel like being watched. A simple “Thinking of you” lets them know you're there without asking for a report.

What if I'm not the right person for this?

It's okay to say so, kindly and soon. “I want to help, but I'm not great on the phone late at night. Could I check in on Sundays instead?” A smaller yes is still a yes, and an honest no is kinder than silence.

Can I tell anyone?

Treat it as theirs to share. Asking you took trust, and keeping it between you keeps that trust. The exception is safety: if you think they might hurt themselves, get help right away, even if that means telling someone else.

Sources

  • 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. (n.d.). 988 Lifeline. https://988lifeline.org/
  • Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599
  • Butler, M. H., Pereyra, S. A., Draper, T. W., Leonhardt, N. D., & Skinner, K. B. (2018). Pornography use and loneliness: A bidirectional recursive model and pilot investigation. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 44(2), 127–137. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2017.1321601
  • Randles, D., & Tracy, J. L. (2013). Nonverbal displays of shame predict relapse and declining health in recovering alcoholics. Clinical Psychological Science, 1(2), 149–155. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702612470645
  • Zhao, X., & Epley, N. (2022). Surprisingly happy to have helped: Underestimating prosociality creates a misplaced barrier to asking for help. Psychological Science, 33(10), 1708–1731. https://doi.org/10.1177/09567976221097615